It’s bin a while since mah hurdies
graced an’ greased Glesga’s dour streets
th’ rain an’ th’ rain an’ th’ rain
dog shite shod an’ trod
Jimmy addicted, duckin’ an’ divin’
wee hens shriekin’ an’ hurlin’ abuse.

When th’ rain’s tay wet an’ th’ hurlin’s tay heavy
an’ th’ Tron hangs lik’ a noose aroon yer neck
duck an’ dive yer way intae Val D’Oro
plonk th’ erse on solid Formica
order yersel’ a haggis supper
and thus sae let the Lord be thankit.

Sae ah did an’ aw
but th’ bard woods greit
auld Scotlund has skinking ware
white chipped plate
cheps an’ mingin’ stomach
minced liver, heart an’ lungs
oats an’ oats an’ oats
swimmin’ suffocatin’
in a cess ay vinegar an’ suet.

Th’ ware swirls aroond mah plate
always runnin’ but ne’er leavin’
this manky mess
slithers doon mah beard
clogs mah hanky an’ clots mah arteries
an’ suin leaves mah weel-swall’d kyte
stretched an’ bent like a drum.

But aye will be a week afore ah eat again
an’ noo aam naturally waterproof
I can brave Glesga’s duckers an’ divers
the wee hens an’ th’ rain an’ th’ rain an’ th’ rain
fur ah hae experienced an’ ah hae survived
th’ cheap chieftain o’ the puddin-race!

Written in Glaswegian except when referencing ‘The Selkirk Grace’ and ‘Address To a Haggis’. Inspired by ‘Val D’Oro’, my favourite fish ‘n’ chip restaurant.